Raining on a thursday…

10.04.2014 Straw House

 

Even the strongest tree

firm like a beam from Noah’s Ark

can break at the whim

of the changing of the winds.

The wind and the tide wait for no man

So they say. But what of a woman?

 

This life of mine –

I built with straw and sonnets

Ready to fly like Mary Poppin’s umbrella

Lines of poetry billowing out from under her

But the big bad wolf is huffing and puffing

And the last couplet falls away

Bales of straw cascading to my feet

I had no brick or mortar

No sand to mix in the gravel

What big eyes you have

I whispered in shock

As straw fell like rain from the sky

 

 

10.04.2014 Accidental

 

Like accidents on purpose

Colours that don’t quite match

Our story was woven

Like a patchwork quilt

Made by six year olds

 

It’s the kind of story

That teenagers read of

But no one quite experiences

The awkward anecdotes

In every Nicolas Sparks Rom Com

 

For all the missed glances

The passed by chances

We collided, You and I

Like an accident. But quite on purpose.

 

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It’s curiouser and curiouser…

 

8.04.2014

 

It’s curiouser and curiouser

 

Time went fast. Or slowly really. It seemed like I did so much when really I did nothing at all. It’s been 10 days since my last post but it feels like a lot has happened and yet I’m back at square one. It has been a week of revelations and realisations and while I wouldn’t change any of it, there are parts I would prefer to put into a pensive and forget all about. However we are not all Albus Dumbledore and while I might have dreams of being the second Weasley girl I am hardly Harry Potter material. No witch or wizard would put up with this shit.

 

Did a lot of cooking in the weekend and met up with a new friend for lunch, spent an hour wandering around IKEA pinching myself so I wouldn’t buy anything and gasping over the baby cots and canopies and the tiny little baby furniture. I also went to the Tony Bianco sale and got a pair of $30 tan heeled sandals. My first ever pair of really amazing shoes I think. Lunch was lovely at Olio in The Block Arcade on Collins Street and I look forward to exploring it more when I get the time. The high ceilings, ornate carvings and architecture and little restaurants and cafes in the nooks and corners are just to die for. My mum’s high school friends daughter then took me to the place under Fed Square which I have actually never discovered before and I stocked up on all the brochures and pamphlets about whats on in Melbourne. There is so much on in the city that’s  free – I’m going to Salsa tomorrow – kinda scared but in a good way! Today was Free cone Day and I got my first ever Ben n Jerry’s ice cream – Clusterfluff LOL. Hmmm really not worth the walk in the rain to Chapel Street but ah well. I’ve been told to try the Choc Brownie Ice cream next time. I also went to church on Sunday – like a proper mass not me just going to sit in a random church for 10 mins and have a little rant with God and although it was an Anglican mass and the prayers were slightly different, everyone was sooo friendly and nice and my landlady took me along to the morning tea afterwards and introduced me to a guy in the choir (very embarrassing!) but he was actually really nice and it was so refreshing to meet someone new and not someone I see at work every single day. 

 

There are things I want to do and things I have to do and I think I’m starting to learn that being accountable, to yourself and to others, means you often have to disregard what you want and control your face and your feelings, those fears that make your skin crawl, the tears that rise to the surface and form a lump in your throat, and the delicious clenching in the pit of your stomach when you least expect it.

 

I watched a lot of movies in the last week – A Happy Event – a French movie about a woman who has a fun, adventurous and loving relationship with her boyfriend and the rollercoaster ride of pregnancy and being a new mother. It reminds me of a poem we read in school by Bub Bridger which had a similar sentiment. Motherhood isn’t always what it is stereotyped to be. No matter how much you may have longed for a baby, pregnancy can take you by surprise I guess and not everyone feels that instinctive love for a child like they are ‘supposed to’. Also watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel which was quite funny and touching as well and had a quiet Sunday night watching Dirty Dancing for the zillionth time and then danced around in my room to the soundtrack until I fill into a tired heap on the floor.

 

Also read another Sarah Dessen – Along for the ride I think – teen fiction is still food for my soul so I guess I’m not as wise at 22 as I think I am. And already halfway through another – The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks – much better than the movie with Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth. I guess that’s where they fell in love. I feel sorry for her really. She fell in love with a boy and unfortunately – or fortunately – she changed and he changed and they seemed to want different things. It happens. At any age. And yet everyone paints this picture of her as some crazy lunatic who doesn’t deserve him. I don’t get it. Everyone changes and if you both change in the same direction it’s a stroke of luck or maybe it’s a conscious decision and you’re doing it for your relationship and compromising on parts of yourself who knows.

 

Sometimes you need someone, to make you feel protected and cared for and safe. But I am done with trusting anyone to be that person. I am my own protector. Starting from now I have an armour this thick and no one, is going to even make a dent in it. It’s curiouser and curiouser how much I feel like Alice in this story, I drink a potion in a bottle and shrink myself down or nibble on a mushroom to make myself big again, changing the way I think and feel based on the whims of others. I’ve become so good at changing myself and giving up parts of me that I don’t even realise I’m doing it. Well that stops now.

 

I write because I can. I say things because I care. I do because I feel. I think, therefore I am. 

April baby

April 2014

 

4.04.2014   Funny things…

 

The funniest things hit a chord.

A note that jars. A song that whispers.

Starburst wrappers. Sunlight after

The afternoon heat easing into evening

And the sand dries on my wet feet

Your car a mess of sand and salt

The sea living breathing

In our skin and our laughter

As we sang along to the radio

Your voice better than mine

Isn’t that just…funny?

 

4.04.2014   Grey’s Anatomy

 

There. It’s a tumour.

His eyes met hers across the OR

Derick’s hand swept vapidly

His ridiculously good looking hair

Dishevelled yet somehow adding

To his natural sex appeal

As Meredith scanned the MRI’s

And brushed her fingertips

Across his neck.

 

In the midst of all this

Little do they know that somewhere

On the other side of the screen

A skinny Indian girl is bawling her eyes out

Her tear ducts flowing like that

Of poor dying Izzy

Walking down the aisle, waging war

With Stage 4 Metastatic cancer.

 

Today I am accountable to you

Alex Karev vows at the altar

Looking deep into Izzy’s eyes

As both Izzy and Anushka weep

Tears pouring down their face

And as one woman says I do

The other throws tissues on her bed

And simply watches

 

There are some days when I wish

That my life was a soap opera

I want scrub caps and on call rooms

And secret pasts and a promising future

Minus the cancer. Without the audience.

 

 

4.04.2014

 

So here I am. Yet again

This crossroad I always come back to

In my attempt to get away

From who I used to be.

But the thing is

No matter how far you run

How hard you try

You always run into your self

At some point

 

 

4.04.2014

 

I like the way

You held my head

Against your chest

Just like a bird

Tucked in its nest

 

I like the way

You glanced my way

Your eyes met mine

Just like a dream

We crossed a line

 

I hate the way

I care so much

And hurt so bad

I hoped you would

Be just a little sad