Power of Positive Thinking

24.06.2014

 

How is it that I am sick again? This is so unfair im really annoyed. There should be a rule against being sick this close to your birthday. But I have noticed a pattern. 21st birthday I turned 21 at law stein, walked back barefoot in the rain and got sick, recovered in time for my 21st and then got sick again straight after. 22nd birthday I spent the whole night crying and woke up with a fever which was very stupid. 23rd well I’m sick two days before which is just as annoying there’s so much I have planned for this week ugh life is so mean! Buut I actually just watched a DVD called How to heal your life which is about positive thinking. Apparently thinking positive thoughts and making positive affirmations to yourself can change your vibrations that the universe senses and attract positive changes to your life. Sounds like a load of bull but might as well try it can’t hurt right?

 

So I slept 17 hours last night and feel much better today but this is not allowed to happen again. I am healthy and happy and I am not allowed to get sick. I had a nice relaxing weekend watching movies, cooking, had a friend over for lunch and I went a lil bit hardout and made fish curry for the first time which I was pretty proud of. And then I freakin went and got sick! How is this fair! Anyway ahem ahem power of positive thinking. I am healthy. Universe bring me happy healthy things please.

 

Been watching lots of movies, like on Saturday I watched this random movie called Parrish which is about these tobacco farmers in America which was really old, and Kramer vs Kramer (love Meryle streep and Dustin Hoffman together they are adorbs), and Harry Potter which was on Saturday night yay and My big fat greek wedding. Also Cadillac Records which is about how Etta James, Chuck Berry and Muddy Waters became famous, Life as we know it and The Calender Girls. Omg that’s a lot of movies. Been upping the intellectual reads as well with Enduring Love by Ian McEwan. Nothing will ever beat Atonement. The Cement Garden was alright but too erm… incesty? Lol. Trying to read What I was by Meg Rosoff atm but struggling to really get into it.

 

So this week is my last salsa class for level 1.5 and then Friday is our Salsa graduation party whooo should be fun. Also going to torquay this weekend with a group of people so really looking forward to that 🙂 

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June poems

24.06.2014

 

What if we were

Weightless and unhindered

Flying discs orbiting each other

Drawn only by our need

For togetherness

What if we were

Unbound by laws of love

Of god or country

What if we wrote our own?

What if we made our own world

And filled it with children

And you told me you’d be there

And we wrote vows

On our three-year-old’s leg cast

To be the best parents we could be

What if we did all this and more?

Oh wait. We just did.

 

 

 

24.06.2014

 

I long to bump

Up against your chest

Like an accident on purpose

Collide in sharp angles

Your elbow in my stomach

I long to bump and shift and grind

Against your hard lean muscles

Like a fast car on a gravel road

I want to get with you in a mosh pit.

 

 

24.06.2014

 

To the men who call me Baby Girl

 

I am not in need

Of a father figure or sugar daddy

A man to buy me pretty things

Carry my bags, and pay me for my company

 

My ass can continue to exist

Without your knee under it

Hard as it is to believe

I’m not a doll to dress as you see fit

 

I am not your baby girl

Daisy chains  

13.06.2014

 

After swearing left right and centre that I would never get sick again, I came down with something yesterday and mumbled incoherently at work, blushed like a teenage girl and screamed expletives when my vocabulary defied me. I then went home and slept for a few hours and spent the night awake hearing noises and bats and imaginary or possibly real spiders crawling on my window. Decided to ignore my usual attitude of going to work sick and infecting everybody else and spent the day in bed watching the Mindy project, drinking soup, and eating half a block of dark chocolate (for the energy).

 

Little did I know that while I was watching Mindy and Danny get together, ruin their relationship, try to be friends, and then get back together again…the wheel of commerce was turning, and as one of those cogs in the wheel, this meant that my I was affected to. Later got a very sweet phone call from my boss on speaker phone and was told about all the changes affecting my team and all I can say is wow…daisy chains are not as innocent and sun shining in a nine year olds hair and meadows and green fields like in the Twilight movie as they are made out to be. Never the less, everything happens for a  reason, and I guess I will have the opportunity to learn a lot more, do a lot more, and will walk away at the end of this internship with a lot of experience under my belt. In fact, maybe making me get sick now, was God’s way of making sure that I rest up and renew my energy and replenish my enthusiasm, before I get thrown in the deep end a little bit.

 

In the last couple of weeks, I have started Salsa classes, made lots of new friends, and started SOX testing woohoo. I can honestly say, that I am really starting to enjoy SOX. It’s incredibly busy…it makes you have to confront people and ask those awkward questions and as someone who has no real accounting experience, I have a lot of questions. But in a way, maybe being an innocent fresh faced Intern makes it easier for me to ask those questions and my probing is simply seen as curiosity. Being busy can be stressful but it’s also a lot of fun, it’s like you’re rushing around with so much purpose, gulping down green tea and rushing off to meetings and running from the train to the bus because you’re so busy in your corporate *cough* novo *cough* heels. I feel like my workload has almost doubled in the last month and I think I can handle it.

 

I really needed the Queen’s birthday long weekend, but then I did so much I almost needed another weekend just to recover from it. Friday night I went out with work people and had Grill’d again. Omg chicken and brie is so good together why have I never discovered this before? My life is complete. Then went to Asian beer café for happy hour and then Perseverance in Fitzroy for 90s Night whoohoo. Think Britney spears ‘Toxic’, ‘C’est la vie’, and ‘Scottie doesn’t know’ with a whole lot of drunk sweaty bodies and alcohol spilling in my shoes. Thank god I wore flats. Spent Saturday at the immigration museum with Fedora and saw the Faith fashion and fusion exhibition as well as the regular exhibits of Identity and Immigration in Australia. I went to a meetup last Saturday night which was at Healthy Lifestyle Lounge on Elizabeth street and it was a really fun chilled out evening, playing charades and Twister with a lot of random people. I sucked at Jenga but killed it at charades and I met a few people I thought were pretty awesome. Also got to do a free health evaluation on Tuesday morning by the same group, and found out that I am 159 centimetres, 48 kg and of that 22% is body fat, 53.3% body water range, and 36.2 kg muscle mass. I feel fitter already! My physique ratings is 5 out of 9 which is not bad I guess. And I have the basal metabolic age of a 12 year old! Big changes I need from now on is to drink more water per day and increase my bone density. Guess that means more push ups and crunches. Yuck.

 

Sunday afternoon went to Lunch at Fedora’s place and had some awesome Jambalya and talked for hours. Yes I am the slowest eater in the existence of mankind. Then went home, did the grocery shopping and watched Captain Philips. Spent Monday at the Mind Body and Spirit exhibition which was pretty cool, got a free book on investing in property, tickets to a property and investment conference for this weekend, a back massage and an introduction to Meditation. Also entered a few competitions and surprise surprise, won a Glamour photoshoot lol. It feels extremely vain, even for me. I don’t know if I can do this haha. How do you go and let someone take photos of you for 40 minutes in different clothes (Yes mum I know you do this all the time but you’re my mum so it doesn’t count). I can’t be that vain with strangers its too weird. After exhausting my supply of Grey’s anatomy, I decided to finally try Australian TV and actually found Speed on tv which was really good. Keanu Reeves is adorbs. Must be like a Keanu Reeves Sandra Bullock special thing on atm cos the Lakehouse is on tonight yeaayah.

 

Anyway so I recently finished reading the Invisible Man, now halfway through Enduring love by Ian McEwan. Trying to get more intellectual (pseudo-intellectual) with my reading again. I have been reading way too much trash since I dropped my English major and it is disgusting. Absolutely appalling. But, I decided to watch Spirited away for the first time last week and I loved it. I feel like all his movies (note sneaky use of the word his since I do not know the directors name), are really really touching and show how genuine and unselfish love is. The love between siblings in Grave of the Fireflies (only animated movie I have ever cried watching as an adult), and the love the older girl feels for her younger sister in My Friend Totoro, and the relationship between Chiriko and Kanu in Spirited away. Children that risk their lives for the person they love…

 

Maybe daisy chains are easy, maybe they shine in the blonde braids in a nine year olds hair, but they are also hard, they are intricate, and they show the time and effort of love and devotion. When I have a little girl, I’m gonna make her daisy chains all day every day. I got a free healing session at the Mind Body and Spirit conference and the man asked me to visualise – not imagine – but visualise myself doing something that I wanted in my future that would make me happy. I closed my eyes and imagined myself walking towards a baby crying, throwing a sleek black handbag on an armchair and stepping out of kitten heels on the way to pick up a squalling baby out of her cot. She immediately quietens down and her crying reduces to a murmur at my touch. I hold her against my chest and feel that warm baby breath on my neck, her soft skin delicate in my hands. Her thighs are wet and soapy, sliding in my hands as I give her a bath and she gurgles, the lines on her chubby legs threatening to slip out of my grasp. This is what I dream of, a future, in which I have it all. A future in which I am successful in my job, and I have the security of my career as well as a home, a baby, a husband, and all the love my heart can hope for. When he told me to open my eyes, my body felt lighter, like I was on helium, and the pressure of his hand on my head descended right through from my head to my toes, like a light was passing through me. I can’t explain it, but somehow, I feel like this could happen for me. I hope that this could happen for me.

 

After spending a day in bed, calling my phone company, checking on how to lodge tax returns, and paying bills between panadols and continental soup, finally ready to eat some real food. There is a steak marinating in my fridge that is waiting for me tehehe.

 

Feeling Grateful

5.06.2014

 

Yesterday I went to my first Salsa class after work and halfway through the week, I felt like – I deserved this. That I deserved something to make me feel good and relax and doing something I enjoyed because it had been a long 3 days. I felt like – I owed it to myself. It’s strange how we are constantly socialised to believe that the world owes us something. That we deserve more for simply existing. Even though we are repeatedly faced with people in society who do not have equitable outcomes in their lives, we continue to believe that if you work hard and do all the right things, you will succeed and you will get what you desire.

 

The American dream is potent and should you fail to achieve it, there are two possible ways people choose to explain it. First, they may believe it is their fault, because they didn’t try hard enough so there is something inherently wrong with them because if they really believed, they would achieve what they desire. This is why I have an issue with books like the Secret that take the theory of positive thinking a little too far. Second, in failing to achieve their dream, they may become disillusioned by the dream itself, and discard it as something that is unattainable and a fault in society. I’m inclined to fall into the latter category. True, everyone knows someone who came from nothing and kept at it and made millions or became president or whatever. But in reality, I don’t know many people who have it all.

 

Yesterday, after my salsa class, I was getting the train home from Southern Cross and an old man carrying two plastic bags with belongings and bedding stopped me saying ‘Please help, dandenong’. I wasn’t too sure which train it was either so I asked another girl at the train station and she assured him it was the right train. We got to talking and with limited English he explained to me that he was from Pakistan, his name was Ali, and he had spent the last 2 hours wandering around Southern Cross because no one would help him find how to get to Dandenong. My heart went out to him and I couldn’t help sucking in my breath and cringing as he showed me the scar on his palm and his broken finger that he said he got from the Taliban.

 

Just yesterday morning, I was crying when I woke up because I was homesick all of a sudden. It seems so selfish now, thinking about people who are all alone in the world, who don’t know the language, and the terrors they must have been through to get where they are today faced with an anarchic society in their homeland. What must it be like, to have your love for home tainted with feelings of fear and distrust, when home has done that to you? Thinking about Ali on my way home, I remembered several other instances in my year so far, that have made me feel guilty, for what I have, and pity for those that have much less.

 

A few weeks back I was walking down a side street off Bourke Street, towards David Jones and Myer and as I walked past a little lane, I heard a woman sobbing. I went past, stopped, hesitated and then turned back to talk to her. She was in her late 40’s, face ravaged by drugs and smoking a cigarette she told me that her partner had kicked her out and she had no money, and she needed to get home to Sydney or Brisbane, I can’t remember. I talked to her for a while and suggested she go to the police and then, I just left her. Doing something, is just as scary, as not doing something. I don’t even know what I was supposed to do, and if I did know – would I do it?

 

Another night on my way home from work, I walked past the medical centre on the corner of my street and a girl around my age was sitting on the footpath outside crying. I asked her if she was alright and she said her mother was coming to get her, and she’d just been to the doctors. I’d assumed it was the Doctors but later thinking about it, I realised it could have also been the Emotion Therapy Clinic next to it and my attitude shifted slightly. Why is it that when someone feels sorrow at being diagnosed with a physical illness, we feel sympathy and compassion, yet when someone has an illness or a condition that is all in their head, it somehow warrants our scepticism? I wouldn’t say I was sceptical of her, but I do think that we are socialised to be doubtful of people with mental illnesses, believing that they should just pull themselves together, or that getting ‘therapy’ is a money making scheme and you should just deal with your problems yourself. I know because I hear people saying it all the time, and sometimes I even think like that before I stop myself. You never know what its like unless you’re in that situation, and having seen so many of my friends, and members of their family go through depression and anxiety, I should really know better.

 

I feel extremely lucky that I have a family who cares about me and is always telling me how they are proud of me. Even though I miss them and I’m not with them, at least I have with me the knowledge that they care. When I got back home last night my landlady had left a piece of paper in my door with STAR examples for answering interview questions. It was such a sweet thought and reaffirmed what I was thinking on the way home after meeting Ali, which was that people become family in so many different ways. The family you are born into, the family you choose for yourself, friends who have stood by you since you were fighting over the same toys in kindy and the grandparent figures you adopt in random walks of life who take you under their wing and show you they care, by slipping little bits of paper under your front door.

I felt a change

1.06.2014

 

I felt a change

In the snipping of my hair

The cascading waves of black

Falling like tentacles on sandy shores

Samson let his guard down

But not I, not I

Delilah cradled his sleeping head

In her lap, against her womb

And robbed him of his strength

With her nimble fingers

Snip snapping his curly locks

But not I, not I

My strength does not lay

In the length of my hair

The arch in my feet

The curve of my neck

A silhouette against the sun

My strength is in feet I plant

Firm in the soil of my knowing

The knowledge that I am as strong

As my convictions, as weak

As my derelictions, in the choice I make

Of fight or flight. In this my darling

I had no hindsight. 

I know now….why I’m so down ;)

1.06.2014

 

It’s been a busy two weeks, getting my nose pierced, chopping off my hair at Rokk Ebony, and witnessing the masses of bogans flock to MCG for the Collingwood vs Westcoast AFL game. Last weekend was pretty awesome going to my first ever AFL game, first an internal holden game between Collingwood supporters and non-collingwood supporters, and then lunch in the corporate box plus heaps of free alcohol before the AFL game.

 

I still haven’t picked a team but I think ive decided its not going to be Collingwood. Maybe Melbourne or Richmond…I have a thing for the underdog. Collingwood is just too many babies in black and white striped scarves. The next day I went to my 3 year old cousin’s Rainbow themed birthday party which was super cute with rainbow striped cake, candles, oreos in chocolate, and a beautiful rainbow quilt her grandma made for her.

 

Had a short week that went by quickly as I plaited my hair in intricate buns leading up to the big chop. I have never ever had such an edgy haircut that I loved straight away and can’t believe I got it for free yay. After I washed it, it was a completely different story. I’ll have to ask the guys at work how to style it because this is definitely not my forte. Monday night I went to a talk at CPA Australia about motivation and mentoring that was really boring and not at all motivating. Tuesday evening I dragged my feet to a talk at the gym about Nutrition and Naturotherapy, which having no expectations for, I found really really enjoyable. It was actually open week at the gym so the next two days I went after work and died on the treadmill and a lovely personal trainer taught me how to use the leg press and some other weird machines.

 

On Friday morning we came to work with backpacks and Patrick gave us all snacks and milk tetra packs to eat on the bus on the way down to Lang Lang, the Holden Proving ground. The Drive day was pretty awesome, my favourite cars were the Calais V and the V8, but by the 7th car I was feeling pretty sick after eating two hot dogs and a cupcake. The last round was the best though and Richard and I had heaps of fun cranking up the music, and dancing and singing in the car to She looks so Perfect by 5 seconds of summer. I’ve had the song stuck in my head the entire weekend in fact probably annoyed everyone I came into contact with by singing it. I think I’m just too inspired by it. I want to be the girl that’s standing in the doorway scratching the back of her calf with her other foot and padding around barefoot in her boyfriends American Apparel underwear. And he knows. Why hes so down. So down….Uuuuhhh. After the Drive day I went out for dinner with a few of the Co-ops to Tepanyaki on Chapel Street and caught bowls of rice and had egg thrown into my mouth, which I missed a few times before I finally managed to catch it. Was a really fun chilled night out and the crème Brule was to die for.

 

I was thinking about a lot of stuff on the bus like what I want to say in my personal presentation at Holden and I realised that there are so many things I want to say I’ve done, but I haven’t actually done them yet so I’m glad I realised now, so that I have the time, to work on these things, and achieve the things I want to say I’ve achieved. Its lucky when you realise, but doesn’t really make a difference until you actually do it. There are still so many things – non-work related stuff – that I want to get out of my year here. I can’t believe its been almost 5 months already since I started work at Holden. In a week it will be 5 months since I moved to Australia. Still so much I want to do and see and change, about myself and for myself.

 

In a way having a haircut is just a physical change. Your hair is made of keratin and it doesn’t even hurt to cut it off, it has no functionality, it doesn’t stop you from achieving anything and it doesn’t help you in achieving anything. Yet having a haircut feels like there is a mental and a physical change in who you are, it’s what you make it out to be. In a way I feel like I have to live up to my hair. Like I have an edgy haircut and I have to live up to it and be more edgy and risk more, love more, fight more. Do the things I’ve always wanted to do but was too afraid to. But I think my problem is I make the same mistakes over and over again, so I need to find some new mistakes to make. Do what you’ve always done, get what you’ve always gotten.

 

Slept in Saturday morning and finished season 2 of Suits, eating copious amounts of bacon and eggs. I then met up with Fedora and we checked out the exhibition at the NGV of life size feathered bears by Paola Pivi and the galleries of Asian art, the Italian Masterpieces and the Table Art gallery. There was this painting that I fell in love with, of two women sleeping naked in the hay. One was European, with pale white skin, and the other was Spanish, a gypsy maybe. And they were fast asleep but you could tell they loved each other. I’ve been trying to find the name looking it up but still can’t find it. Walking down Southbank Promenade afterwards, we saw a street performer do a magic show and got a free stress test which told me I am very very stressed. No surprises there. I might actually look up dianetics though…no harm in trying to make positive changes to your life if it could work. I stand corrected – just looked it up and its part of Scientology. screw that.

 

Went to church on Sunday and saw 3 baptisms…some crazy parents have decided to name their daughter Emily Rose…wtf. Spent the afternoon watching greys anatomy, cooked a mean pasta with white creamy mushroom sauce and bacon, and made sore throat tea for winter. Also did blogilates both days this weekend which killed my thighs and glutes. All set for the week ahead after a relaxing weekend, gonna watch a movie and eat my yummy pasta now : )