If I were to pick a day that would define this year, it would be Friday 22nd August. It’s amazing how quickly your world can change, from something ordinary to extraordinary. I never expected my life to change so much in the last five weeks but it has, and while I didn’t force it to happen, I’m not complaining either.
In the last six weeks, I forced myself to go to work sick, finished my sox testing and drove down to Rye with the wind blowing in my hair and Backstreet Boys playing in the car. It was an amazing weekend of drinking games, walking on the beach, beer pong and waking up and feeling happy, excited, and eager…for whatever lay ahead.
Coming back to work was not as hard as it would’ve been, knowing that I had every reason to be happy and positive and look forward to the days ahead. Work went on like a breeze, and I carried on doing what I was doing. I went to a Salsa night at a bar on Commercial road and met some amazing people, tried a diner on the corner of Toorak and Chapel street called Soda Rock that I’ve had my eye on for ages. Lets just say the Chili burger and chili chips with EXTRA chili was not a good idea. My tolerance for spicy food has gone down heaps since I moved out of home.
I planned my Tassy trip which is now just another month away – very exciting! And finalised the details for my 5 day getaway in Sydney. The two weeks that followed made me feel like I was floating on air. In retrospect I should have savoured it. We walked around the city aimlessly for hours, no destination in mind. The journey was more than enough to leave us content. I made plans and dreamt dreams and grew fat with happiness and a secret joy in simple things.
My trip to Sydney came sooner than I expected and was a blur of Museums, Art Galleries, Old Buildings and Ferry Boats. I loved the sunshine on the back of my neck, the ocean air blowing through my hair on ferry rides between Circular Quay and Darling Harbour. Catching up with my cousins after so many years was wonderful and being able to share the weekend with them and my cousin Mandy’s baby shower. Was also lovely to catch up with another friend who was moving back to New Zealand and spend his last weekend in Sydney with him, going to Taronga Zoo, Sydney Fish Market and walking around the Opera house. The Fireworks in Darling Harbour made our New Year’s fireworks in Auckland pale in comparison. Sydney would be amazing on New Years! Also fell in love with Chinatown, Paddy’s Market, Martin Place, and Hyde Park. There was so much I still wanted to see but didn’t see….the bus ride back from Bondi took me through Oxford street and there were many times when I just wanted to get off the bus and look around but there was so much to do and so little time. A trip back is gonna be a must. Made friends with lots of German tourists on my wanderings through the city and met a sweet boy in Darling Harbour after I went to the Sea Life Aquarium, who was probably autistic, and had a chat with him while we waited for our ferries.
I felt strong and confident that I could find my way around, do all the stuff I had so meticuluously planned, and that everything was so effortless. I’ve grown more in the last 9 months than I have in the previous 22 years of my life. I’m more sure of what I want, who I want, and I’m not willing to settle for anything less than that. It’s still hard, to ask for things. But hopefully I’ll get better at it. Practise makes perfect and I guess when all the practise you’ve had in the past, is being denied, ridiculed and put down, it makes asking for something even harder. But I deserve everything I want and I hope to get it one day, if not this day.
Had a lovely week back at work after my Sydney trip. My work friends took me out for dinner last night to Bistro Guilliamo, a French Restaurant at Crown which was really really sweet of them. I would not be where I am today without my team at work and I owe them so much. Dinner was amazing, had an entre of Snails, and a Souffle, and then for mains I had Braised Oxtail and we shared a chocolate tarte and a chocolate fondant. Had a lazy Saturday doing grocery shopping, going to the library, did some tassy research and watched a movie when I got home. Evening plans of going out for dinner and then to a Salsa club in Collingwood are cancelled as my friend is sick 😦 It’s not so much that I am not going to Salsa, as that I am at home on a Saturday night that annoys me. Wish I knew more people here I and I could just call someone to hang out with. I seem to need people around me more than other people do. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Looking forward to going out for dinner tomorrow to a Diner that does a mean Philly Cheese Steak burger according to Urban spoon. Hope the weather’s good 🙂
I realised this week that I don’t ever do anything in half measures. If I love or hate or fear or crave, I do it like a lunatic. I go into a storm like I won’t be returning, saving nothing for the journey home. I feel like I’m on some sick joyride devised by that guy in the Saw movies, coming down from my euphoric happiness just as fast as I’d gone up. And I was grateful to have a friend remind me that nothing is worth crying over, and that only I can make myself happy. And if at this moment, it means that I have no one to spend time with, it doesn’t mean I can’t make myself happy or fill the time with something else. Communication is so important, and it’s not enough to care about someone. You need to say it, because if you don’t say it, they will never know. And not just say it once, but say if often.
There is still so much that I want to do and see in my last five months in Australia. Trying to plan something for the Christmas break…maybe Bali or Thailand. At the same time I can’t wait to go back to Auckland and see my family. It was my Grandmother’s birthday on Monday and it’s sad that it only hits you, at key moments like these, or when you see other families, how much you owe your own. My grandmother has done so much for me, I will never be able to thank her enough for all the love and affection she has given me, letting me want for nothing. As a child I knew I was loved. I don’t know if many people can say that. I not only had my parents, but I had my grandparents, who cuddled me and took me for walks, fed me titbits in the kitchen, bathed me, and never let me forget how much I am loved. My grandmother is the strongest woman I know and I would be lucky to be half as brave and strong as she is.
I organised family day at work on Friday with the help of my current boss and my previous boss, both of whom brought their kids in. It was a lovely day and the event went very well and I loved blowing bubbles for the tiny humans, watching them clap at thin air trying to catch them. Sitting on the ground by the low tables, with Sean’s almost two-year-old Isaac on my lap, I helped him ice and decorate a marie biscuit with jelly beans and mnms. His soft blond hair was against my face and the warm weight of his little body resting against my chest. It’s moments like these that make you realise you are exactly where you are meant to be. If I was put on this earth to do one thing, it is to be a mother, to have children.
I was happy and sad at the same time, happy to have this moment after such a long time, and sad that I might not ever have my own children. Life is so unpredictable, and it’s scary thinking I might never meet someone, or might not meet someone early enough, to have all the things I want to have. I guess I have a few years left before I need to start worrying about stuff like that.
In the meantime, cannot wait to enjoy travelling, meeting people, and telling the people I love how much I love them.