Awakening

6.10.2010

Sometimes I feel like I can exist out of my body and look at myself like a stranger, incredulous at the thoughts that go on inside my head. I am Macbeth with Scorpions in my brain and I am a scorpion that looks at Macbeth, watching its fellow crustaceans crawl out of his brain. How can I be both Macbeth and the scorpion?

This morning I woke up and poured myself some milk sleepily and put it in the microwave. My hands did so without ever making a conscious decision. Routine. Muscle memory. Whatever you want to call it. I did not know what my hands were doing but I was aware that I do this every day. At the same time I thought that if I was murdered, there would still be so much evidence to investigate in my tiny studio. I wondered how I had crammed so much life into this room in the last 8 months that I could gather so much evidence for a forensic team.

My room is a mess, could that be seen as breaking and entering, mistaking it for a burglary when really I am just comfortable with a messy home. Pharmacy bills and pills on the cabinet, the ends of a wrapper on top of the microwave, dirty shoe prints that are not my own, and my milk still in the microwave – would these all be part of the case, neatly labelled and categorised sample A. B and C.

Standing within my own skin, feeling the heat of my body inside me and within me, I still looked at myself like a stranger and mused over the scientific facts in the event of my death and wondered what the police would make of it. Accident? Suicide? Murder? I wondered objectively, if police would rule out suicide automatically if limbs were missing or would it still be on the table. Who would cut their limbs off before they kill themselves.

And even as I stepped outside my body and thought all these things about the strange girl standing inside me, I stepped out of this second person all over again and rejoined the first, saying babe you need to snap out of this. It’s not normal to be so intrigued by what might be contributable evidence for your own murder. So the third Anushka snapped her fingers in front of the second and both second and third Anushkas vanished while the first continued to pour cereal into a bowl and climbed into bed to eat breakfast.

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